11/9/10 chainsaw

When I first bought it, I asked a bunch of men--my uncle, brothers, friends--how to use it. No one would tell me how. It was like a male code. So I called my aunt long-distance in Alaska. She's been living in a house she hand-built for the past 30 years or so, and she gets her stovewood from the beach and cuts and splits it herself. Her tips for the chainsaw: 1. make sure your body is always steady, that you support yourself with your legs; 2. Lock your arms stiff when you are cutting, so that if the saw bucks, it will fly above your head and not into your face; and 3. Consider carefully where the thing you're cutting is going to drop. Be ready to step aside quickly.
Oh, backtracking. I had to buy a lacy undergarment the same day I bought the chainsaw. Balance in all things.
Anyway, the thing is hilarious to use. I mean, really fun. And I'm the kind of person who hates noisy, mechanical toys. But you get to cut up firewood and clear paths and be strong and independent.
In college, I met the guy who wrote and starred in the original, "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." His name is Gunnar Hansen, and he came to the college as a visiting prof in writing/journalism. I took his class in Environmental Journalism. He seemed pretty normal, not the kind of person who would dream up a murderous stalker to frighten people.
I prefer to use my chainsaw in the service of good.